The year 2008 has given a platform to a lot of new talent like Imraan Khan, Harman Baweja, Genelia D’Souza, Prateik Babbar and Deepika Padukone, to name a few.

Along with the emergence of these young artistes came a brand new stereotype of what ‘young’ means in India.

An article I read in the Bombay Times suggested that ‘It’s hot to be chirpy and in to be peppy this year’ and the examples that were used to justify the statement were those of Shahid Kapur in ‘Kismat Connection‘ with his long-sleeved cotton T-shirt and jumpers and Mallika Sherawat’s ‘mis-matched colours’ and cute skirts in Ugly aur Pagli.

In the movie ‘Jaane Tu… Ya Jaane Na’, designer Ashley Rebello attempted to make them look (and I really like the way he put it) ‘Flawlessly comfortable in your own skin’ and he sure as hell did!

There was nothing overdone about the clothes they wore. Genelia was so realistically made up with her sporty-cute attire, it was so easy for the younger population to relate to her character.

On the other hand, majority of the youth today refrains from dressing the way Vidya Balan did in Kismat Konnection, not because she looked bad (hell, she looked better than she ever has before!), but because no college student dresses that glamorous on a daily basis. Another stereotype that often creeps up is short hair = young… So that makes Helen young then?

As far as Shahid is concerned, is it really ‘young’ to wear shiny shoes and flashy T-shirts ? I think not.

The youth today is far too heterogeneous to be put into one broad category, but if any one movie has managed to bring out nearly every aspect of the youth and the different kinds of lifestyles kids today lead, it’s got to be Jaane Tu.. Ya Jaane Na.

Post his fight with Shah Rukh at Katrina’s birthday bash which everyone thought was pretty uncouth, Salman Khan has been down and out. Even his girlfriend Katrina’s giving him a cold shoulder. Poor guy!

Well! Not so poor after all. Congress lovechild Govinda has made up his mind that everyone might be wrong, but not, of course Sallubhai. Govinda thinks they ride the same boat, as both of them have been hammered by critics and backbitten by their detractors but manage somehow to get themselves still be liked by the masses. To cement this new wave of reckoning, he has decided to do a movie with him.

The movie’s to be directed by the only guy who would ever choose to partner these two hooligans, Mr. David Dhawan and produced by Salman’s brother, Sohail Khan.The movie’s to be a sequel to last years Partner, which itself is a re-hash of the Will Smith movie Hitch. When egged, Govinda confirmed that this movie would be based on another idea :P.

Let’s watch how long these ‘Partners‘ last!!

Dear Diary,

I am so angry!! I can’t believe that this is happening to me!! Shah Rukh Khan has kicked me out of his Temptations Reloaded tour. Just because he and Salman had some huge fight, he does not want to play with me anymore. Well on the bright side, no one will ever know about this humiliation. Both the head organizers have told the press different stories and I have refused to comment on this matter. That will definitely throw them off course!!

This afternoon I went to for the shooting of my film Yuvraaj. Of course my super obsessive boyfriend Salman was there. I totally ignored him!! Once again I managed to ditch the press by telling them that I would call them back. When will they get it, him and me are so last year!!

But today was not all that bad. I am now the new ambassador of Nakshatra diamonds. I shot my first ad for them today. I am so happy that I finally won a round against that ice princess Aishwarya Rai. She might have escaped Sallu and run into Abhishek’s arms, but I am the one wearing the diamonds!!

Till next time,

Love,

Kats!

There’s an angel hovering somewhere over Vancouver.

The Vancouver leg of the Bachchan’s Unforgettable tour has been cancelled due to poor sales!!! How does that taste Mr. Bachchan? Pretty bitter huh? Looks like the money-grabbing, show-boating, first family of publicity-whoring has finally hit a bump in the road. The apparent reason for the poor turnout is the jacked-up ticket prices. You lie Bachchan. Here’s what we think. Everyone is tired of you, your family and its minions. You can’t even pull desperate NRI audiences for this Dharavi eve-teasing ritual you call a show. So why don’t you just dig out that little scrap of dignity that you have left in the hollow where your soul was meant to be and wrap this up once and for all?

Another explanation the Bachchan camp offered was that they “didn’t want to do it“. Yes, Abhishek didn’t want to pretend to be Akshay and enjoy those few minutes of audience adulation that he’s never experienced in his life, Riteish Deshmukh didn’t want to wear mirrored clothes and prance around like a wasted Pomeranian and Preity Zinta didn’t want to push the cocaine buzz into the danger zone.

Whatever you say guys…

Sangamitra Chowdury has finally started working on her movie Mein Aur Meri Himmat. Just when I thought the industry had hit rock-bottom with people like Upen Patel being given work, who does she introduce to bollywood? Mohammed Asif. Yes, the ousted Pakistani bowler who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs has been cast in this crusade of bad-guy bashing and repressed sexuality. And guess who he’s replaced. It’s none other than Pakistan’s answer to Salman Khan, Shoaib Akhtar.

Shoaib (who’s been dreaming about a career in Bollywood ever since he and Sallu joined beds) began talks with the scriptwriter Payal Mehta eight months ago, through the Indian Premiere League phase. The crew working on this movie soon grew irritated with Shoaib’s total lack of professionalism and decided to replace him with fellow disgrace Mohammed Asif. I’m sure this will take its toll on the relationship between the two at some level and can only hope that they settle it with a fight to the death.

Don’t even get me started on what this movie’s going to be like. I’m still digesting the fact that Bollywood has run out of heroes and are now recruiting cricketers. Now that I come to think of it, cricket and Bollywood are the staples of an Indian lifestyle. It was only a matter of time before someone combined the two.

Ayesha Takia, after harrowing us with her mindless screen presence, has finally decided to try the acid test on her boyfriend - Farhan Azmi. You guessed it right guys!! She’s getting married! She says it’s her way of taking this relationship of three years to a more meaningful level.

They plan to tie the knot later this year or maybe even later than that, she promises us that she’ll make a formal announcement soon! (Thanks dear, we really need that!!). Their parents too have given a one-up to this happy union.

The couple is unsure whether they would like to live with Farhan’s parents and hence have already begun hunting for a love-nest in South Mumbai.

Ayesha apparently has been signing fewer films after the decision. She has also decided not to appear in Jagmohan Mundhra’s “Do Knot Disturb” as it is a sex comedy, and as we all see, she’s trying to please her one and only Farhan. Although I’m sure she would look out of place in a sex comedy after her breast reduction surgery.

Our brave Punjab-da-puttar Sunny has been at it again. He has managed to scare the director Kabeer Kaushik to such an extent that the poor guy did not even attend his first movie’s music launch. The movie in question being Bobby Deol and Priyanka Chopra starrer Chamku.

Our sources tell us that Kabeer, who was really excited at the start of the shoot, had some serious differences in opinion with Sunny during the editing of the movie as Sunny thought he was in a much better position to call the shots during editing than the director himself. The experience left Kabeer so tense that he resorted to making lame excuses like, “I have some personal work in London” to avoid the music launch. Of course no one really noticed his absence since Rosa Catalano the newest item girl on the block filled the gap.

Kabeer apparently wanted to cast Bobby in his first film too, but Bobby who has had nothing but a really big chain of flops to offer, refused on matters of principle.

Sunny boy! Here’s some advice, maybe you should just stick to flexing your muscles and doing the Tarzan calls in your bedroom if you want to save your brother’s dying career and your own money!

I’ve always read how Hollywood actresses behave like such divas and lash out at other people both physically and verbally, and been glad that Bollywood actresses have more grace and class. WRONG!! Recently during the shooting of one of the episodes of The Rakhi Sawant Showz, some poor soul made the mistake of pissing off Sawant. He probably made eye contact with her or something. So instead of just yelling at him for no apparent reason like the rest of Bollywood’s animals do, Sawant went ballistic and attacked this person… WITH A CHAPPAL.

Sources say that Rakhi has an extremely short temper and tends to fly off the handle for the smallest of matters. Who the hell let this joker out of the box??

Of course when Rakhi was contacted she played the dumb I-have-no-clue-what-you’re-talking-about card. She said and I quote, “I did not beat up any of my staffers.” She did, however, call them “staffers.” She does, though, admit to whacking anyone who dares misbehave with her.

Only celebrities could get away with stunts like this at their workplace (since acting is a profession I’m guessing sets are their place of work). Can you even imagine what would happen if you tried to pull this stunt at your workplace?

Bad movies do a lot more than just give me a reason to post a blog; they also destroy and ruin friendships. After the horrible performance of Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic the age-old friendship of Kunal Kohli and Aditya Chopra has fizzled out. The duo has been working together for decades now, churning out “hits” (yes, the air quotes are necessary) like Fanaa, Hum Tum and Mujhse Dosti Karoge.

Rumour has it that Kunal has moved out of his office which was given to him by Yash Raj Films. Also Aditya has refused to pay him the amount due to him as co-producer for Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic. However, it is pretty impressive the way both parties have handled the situation. Neither has come out and slashed the others name in public, nor have they gone on talk shows and bitched the other out. See, now there is a moral to all these stories… Crappy movies and sour friends go hand in hand.

Arjun Rampal has finally realized that he doesn’t have what it takes to cut it in the acting business. Of course, that didn’t stop the rest of Bollywood, but it’s nice to see that at least one guy’s accepted defeat and moved on. He now has three extra career options.

1) After shooting for Abhishek Kapoor’s ‘Rock On’, he seems to have learnt how to play air-guitar, and more importantly he’s mastered the really hard stuff - putting two fingers to his lips and air-kissing the crowd. If it doesn’t work out in Bollywood, he always has a job at such Meccas of music such as Goa Portuguesa and J. W. Marriott to fall back on.
2) His plan to set up a lounge-cum-dining bar in New Delhi, called LAP may take shape and allow him to spotlight his terrible sense of music there. LAP stands for ‘Lounge And Party’, a name that took not one but two minds to come up with. So let’s just black out the ‘creative arts’ tab in his career possibilities sheet.
3) And finally, his last and most frightening option - becoming a full-time director. As shocking as it sounds, Arjun has already worn the Bollywood Director’s dunce hat once for a movie
called I See You. I hope it never sees me.

But all said and done, Bollywood is India’s a**hole and will take in and pay whatever it can get. It’s the nature of the business. In fact, it’s reached an all-time low in recent times. They are now hiring people without skill or looks; the first moron who walks in gets roped in. If anyone doubts the truth of this statement just google Upen Patel; you’ll get what I’m talking about.

Ram Gopal Verma has offered viewers Rs. 5 lakh if they can sit through his new horror flick, Phoonk, without walking out of the theatre mid-way.  Now here’s the catch, you’ve got to do it alone.

I know what you’re thinking… “Wow!, that’s a lot of money, anyone would do it, I know I would! 5 lakhs, I’d watch it twice if he wanted”.

But before you totally high-five on it with your friends, please take a moment to consider what you’re getting into and treat it with the gravity that anything RGV puts out deserves.

We all remember his mid-life crisis of a movie, Ram Gopal Verma Ki Aag. And who could forget such timeless adventures of young lust and misguided morality as Jungle and Daud? I wouldn’t sit through them if I was strapped to my chair with all my friends and family doing the can-can around me; forget about alone with the option of leaving.

Now we come to Phoonk. This one, he claims, is the scariest one he’s ever made. That alone sends shivers down my spine. Can anyone bear three music-less hours of sudden camera zooms, frightened mothers and Exorcist rip-offs? And who in their right mind goes alone into a theatre for an event organized by Ram Gopal Verma?? If your kidneys and first-born sons mean anything to you, STAY AWAY.

In a classic attempt to divide and rule, 61 years after it stopped working, the Khans of Bollywood have been issued threats by the Indian Mujahideen barring them from working in Hindi movies. The Freemason clan of B-Town has treated this event like a 100-metre tsunami and immediately offered to counter the terrorist threat with more soap operas and bubblegum cinema in a bid to prove that Bollywood is after all a secular entity.

Farah Khan said she has already given her secular testimonial by marrying a Hindu. She also goes on to say that as long as one is successful, no one gives a flying F*** about what God they worship. Looks like she believes in calling a spade a spade. I feel like doing the same: GO HOME FATTY, NO ONE LIKES YOU!!!

Karan Johar, the anatomically secular wonder boy believes that there is no sexual or secular divide in Bollywood and that inter-racial love triangles rock his world. Soap-queen Ekta Kapoor, has spoken her heart out and confessed that there’s more terror everyday through her mindless half hour re-runs
than any Mujahideen can ever dream of.

Kunal Kohli has no choice but to support the Khans as after Thoda Pyaar, Thoda Magic, critics have confiscated his rights to choose.

When contacted, the Mujahideen said that it was after this movie that they decided to take such drastic steps and threaten the 4 kings of Bollywood. They feel the Khans would be more productive working at the Lahore McDonald’s.

What is up with Vidya Balan? A few mildly successful flicks in her kitty and the woman fancies herself to be the queen of Bollywood! Rather than channelizing her energies into her acting, this lady is busy throwing tantrums, bitching about other actresses and building herself a ‘diva’ reputation.

Just recently she was invited as a guest on Rohit Roy’s chat show on Zoom TV- Inside Bollywood. Along with her, Rohit’s brother Ronit Roy was slated to appear as a guest on that episode. As soon as Vidya learned about her co-star she shut herself in the vanity van.

She was displeased that a TV actor was to appear as a guest with her. “If it’s inside BOLLYWOOD”, the actress is said to have remarked, “what is a small time TV star doing on the show?”

After delaying the shoot by about 2 hours, she was eventually persuaded by her PR team and the Zoom production team to go ahead and do the show.

Vidya my dear, please don’t do this to yourself. No one appreciates it. And just FYI, Ronit Roy has acted in a few movies and is also appearing in Sanjay Gupta’s ‘Alibaug’ soon.

So there.

So everyone’s heard Sonam’s sob story - how she doesn’t even talk to her ex - Ranbir. Don’t you go and think her life’s all about moping around and avoiding exes… she has a career you know (albeit almost non-existent).

After the dud that was Saawariya, not many offers came her way. Trade analysts attributed this to her looks which go against current convention. In a day when stars who look more firang than Indian (take Katrina Kaif for instance) rule the roost, Sonam has a clear cut Indian look and feel. The only role she bagged was Rakeysh Mehra’s Dilli 6 opposite Abhishek Bachchan.

She almost got a role in Adi Chopra’s big venture ‘Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi’ with SRK. That stuff fell through unexpectedly and she was replaced by some random Anushka Sharma chick. Aditya Chopra though was extremely impressed by her unconventional looks and the latest is that she’s bagged a precious YRF role opposite chocolate boy Shahid Kapoor in an as yet untitled project. Way to go Sonam!

As for shaking off that image… why dontcha pose for Maxim or Playboy or something??

Imraan Khan seems to have struck gold as far as a successful launch goes. After Jaane Tu, he’s been lined up by none other than uncle Aamir Khan to play the lead in his movie, Delhi Belly. Aamir, who’s been having a horrid time casting for the movie claims that he wasn’t planning on casting Imraan earlier and that it just occurred to him that he would be perfect for an “urban sex comedy”. Right, Jaane Tu totally brought out the sex-comedian in Imraan.

Not only has Aamir launched Imraan’s career, but also made sure that he behaves like him too. Imraan has turned down a Yashraj role because he didn’t like the script. I can only hope that Harman, Ranbir and company have their ears open. DON’T DO SHIT MOVIES. We all know you’ll are shit actors, at least make yourselves look a little better by choosing your scripts wisely. Aamir has also said that he only wants to give Imraan’s career an “initial push” and then leave it up to him to shape his own career. Good old hard-selling.

Now, a major concern has been their similarity in looks. Imraan looks more like Aamir’s love-child than his nephew which of course, opens up whole new world’s of speculative possiblities. Who’s the mother? Does he even know who the mother is? Was Imraan made in a lab? Is the government planning to flood the market with Imraan’s just to make sure we don’t have to sit through debuntant disasters like Saawariya and Love Story 2050? If they are, then God Bless democracy. All this and more, next week on Desimad Blog!!

As if we don’t see enough love-triangle dramas on screen, B-town’s newbies, Ranbir Kapoor, Deepika Padukone and Sonam Kapoor have somehow worked themselves into a very similar situation. This was first noticed at Katrina Kaif’s B’day bash, when all three were present but made a conscious effort to stay out of each other’s way.

Ranbir and Sonam grew very close to each other on the sets of Saawariya, clearly a movie that should have drilled home the fact that they weren’t meant to be actors but would’ve made it as villagers pretending to have lost their money to go home or employees at a suburban bakery. They would console each other every time Sanjay Leela Bhansali, director and total cry-baby shouted at them for their terrible acting. They were supposedly so madly in love that Sonam used to visit Ranbir at his house frequently and warm-up to father, Rishi Kapoor and dragon-mother, Neetu Singh. Isn’t that just swell.
But soon enough, Deepika dumped Yuvraj and was single again. In swooped Ranbir and bunked with her instead. And so now, it’s all awkward between the two Saawariya debutants. As usual, when contacted, Sonam Kapoor maintained a stony silence. Hint taken.